Welcome to my Blog

Welcome to my Blog
See through my eyes as I start a career with Xyngular

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Toxic Relationships

Have you ever had a relationship in your life that required a lot more effort than it was worth?  Just to keep the relationship going was hard work.  You feared the conversations and how it would go?  Well, I have and had to make a decision to rid the connection from my life.

You see this relationship lasted for over 30 years.  The relationship was off and on, meaning we would talk then we would not talk for months.  He would always become angry with me and instead of discussing the real issue with me he always chose to just give me the silent treatment.  I guess he really didn't care.  

He was a master at brushing issues under the rug and I tend to be way too forgiving.  I have always been taught to forgive.  Now maybe I misunderstood what it meant to forgive but I found that this relationship was unhealthy and destroying my self esteem.   

I can remember always feeling afraid to tell him something amazing that happened because ultimately he always found away to belittle my accomplishments.  Every accomplishment always followed, "why didn't you do it this way or why did you even do it that way."  If I got a promotion it was never good enough because bottom line I wasn't the CEO.  If I broke sales records and exceeded my quota, I could of done more.  If I bought a 2000.00 dollar refrigerator with my own money, well why did I waste money on a refrigerator when I don't need such an expensive one.  The 800.00 dollar one does the same as the 2000.00 dollar one I am told.  

I could never please this man.  Sure the compliments came every now and then.  I clung onto those compliments hoping for more to come.  Only for those compliments to be taken back and my faith shattered.  

This relationship for me was exhausting.  Throughout the years I had been told how I used him, how I was selfish, how I always make stupid decisions, how I can't handle my own life, how worthless I am, how it was never good enough, how I have always done things wrong, how difficult I can be over the holidays when it comes to juggling everyone, how I am not appreciative, and how I can possibly live day to day successfully.  

You see I disagree with all of this.  I tried for many years to prove his brutal comments to me wrong.  I have two beautiful children, who I feel are some of the most polite and well behaved kids you will ever meet.  This is the result of parenting.  I received two degrees while I was a single mom and in my 30's.  I busted my rear to make sure my girls were always happy and their needs were always met.  I paid my way through college.  I made sure my girls were my number one priority in my life after their parents divorced.  They didn't ask for their parents to split so my job was to keep their life as normal as possible.  My life revolved around these children and I live my life by giving them the best childhood that they deserve.  

I couldn't fathom how he thought I was selfish when I always try to please others.  I am constantly trying to help others and make them happy.  There are a few decisions I have made in my life, which were probably  stupid, but I am a stronger much wiser person because of those failures.  

As far as handling life?  Bring it on!  I am strong, independent and I can overcome.  I have hit rock bottom.  I know what it is like down there and what I have learned is everything happens for a reason.  We must always remember that no matter how bad it gets.  We can not let the down moments consume our lives when there are bigger and better things awaiting for us.  No one can make us unhappy it is our decision on whether we choose to be happy or not.  

Maybe I don't send enough thank you notes but I can assure you I will tell you how thankful I am and how wonderful you are.  I will walk to the end of the world for my friends.  I will drop everything for a friend in need no matter what it is!  Want to test that out?  Try it.....call me when you need me and I will be there!

So, one evening after leaving my classes I took a deep breath and realized how thankful I was the day was over.  You see Neuroscience, Cognitive Science, Social Personality, Personality and Development, and Research had killed me that day.  Not only was school stressful,  I was wearing a heart monitor.  Feeling the stress that day I just wanted to get home to Bill and my girls.  I sat on the couch and had my last phone conversation with this person who I could do nothing right for.  By the end of the conversation I ran into my closet and sat down and cried.  

All I could hear as I was experiencing heart issues and stress was how worthless I was.  How I used him to cart my girls down to Houston to their Dad's house.  I heard him telling me, "Poor poor Michelle you can't handle life.  You think you have finally met someone who loves you and your girls? Come on, Michelle they all start out that way and in the end you will see.  You never liked my wife and were always trying to find away to put a wedge between her and me.  You are selfish.  You always make a mess of things when it comes to getting together on Christmas.  You never have the plans in order.  No, you can't change the plans when Christmas Eve has always been our day.  I don't care if it is difficult for you.  That's you being selfish.  I even gave you money to help you pay for your own school one semester when you were in a bind and you never paid me back.  I'm still waiting on that money."  The words went on and on in my head and all started to just blend together as one big phrase,  "YOU ARE WORTHLESS!"

I sat there feeling horrible about myself.  Then I realized I had the power to end this!  End this once and for all.  It was time for this weight to be lifted off of my shoulders and I would never allow this man to treat me this way again.  The things he said to me that night are images burned in my head.  Even after 2 years they are still so fresh.  

I let go......

Still wondering sometimes if that was the best decision I received a friend request the other day from him on Facebook.  My 11 yr old daughter looked over and saw the request and said, "really?  why didn't grandpa just call you instead?"

From my 11 yr old daughter I thought....why didn't he my Dad just call me?

1 comment:

  1. This has to touch so many.. God knows it sounds like I am living your life!!!

    ReplyDelete